The History Teacher Recorded the Funniest Moments in His Classroom
15 Hilarious lines
On any given day when the teacher job has beaten me down to the ground, I always seek the history teacher’s company. On those rough days, I’ll drag my tired body up to the third floor of the school, and knock on his door. The knock will usually be treated with silence — he assumes it’s kids, and promptly ignores them during his off periods. But I’ll persist, and eventually he’ll look up at the classroom window, see that it’s me, and give me a grin.
Mr. Turrie and I started teaching in our school at the exact same time. Over that time we’ve seen over 85% of the staff we started with either move to another school or quit the profession altogether. We’ve survived meaningless after school professional development, grades where the valedictorian never cracked 1000 on the SAT, school brawls, the homeless on school grounds, blatant student drug abuse, students expelled for holding a gun, gang-related incarceration, and all manner of student fuckery.
But we’ve also shared some laughs. I think one of the defining traits of a veteran inner city school teacher is the following - you can’t take things too seriously. When you hear a freshman yell at another freshman, “Your penis is little!” in front of an entire class, there’s one of two routes you can take. You can sternly punish that student for unacceptable behavior… or you can do everything you can to stop yourself from dissolving into peals of booming laughter.
One of these paths leads to career longevity.
The history teacher and I know how to share a laugh. So on the rough days when I’m struggling to crack a smile, I'll seek out Mr. Turrie and ask him to read from “the book.” When I make this request, he’ll solemnly nod and open a drawer in his desk where he’ll take out an old, crinkled, blue testing booklet and he’ll start to read aloud. There are times when I leave his classroom with tears in my eyes from trying to hold back the giggles.
The Book
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the history teacher’s book. On occasion, Mr. Turrie will hear a conversation in his classroom so laughter-inducing that he will record it. We joke that if we just started a twitter with the things our kids have said, we’d be millionaires. Well, here is that attempt on Substack. The 15 following lines of dialogue are situations the history teacher has overheard in his classroom, and recorded for amusement.
And now I share them with you. Enjoy.
*all names have been replaced with fake names
Chris: “Idk my mom’s maiden name. That’s too federal.”
Justin: “We are gonna make North Korea look like Disneyland.”
Jacky: “You betta fight your demons, cause you can’t beat me.”
Jessica: “I’m mad because he said, ‘Look! Penis!’ and I looked.”
Abdul (a 6 foot 4 student): “The air is bad here, that’s why people are short. In the motherland the air is clean and fresh, which is why they’re all tall there. They drink cow’s milk, not like here, that’s not real milk, that’s not organic, that’s not real milk. If you think about it, the people that own farms tend to be white, and they’re tall! Here we got like train station air and shit, that’s why people here are short.”
Sally to Yessica:
Sally: “If I were a slave, I’d dress nice.”
Yessica: “Yeah, I’d make a crop top out of a potato bag.”
Kassidy: “You gotta hand it to white people, they can’t cook, but daaaamn they can bake tho, they be bussin it down when baking.
A conversation overheard on the senior trip.
Nick: “We’re here to meet girls.”
Justin: “I’m not here to meet girls. I’m here for the go-karts.”
Katelyn *After hearing a ‘would-you-rather’: “Would you rather have someone spit in your butt or your mom dies? You’re gonna choose your mom dying every time!”
Triston: “Me and the Gettysburg Address got beef.”
Katie *Explaining the beef four freshman girls have over a boy: “These girls is dick-dumb, and the dick is dumb.”
A conversation about history:
Jay-Jay: “Yeah, the revolutionary war involved Hispanic people. Hispanic people come from Native Americans. So if you think about it, the Revolutionary war involved Hispanic people.”
Greg: “This N**ga watching too many Facebook reels.”
Manny: “I’m not gonna be deported because I have a Costco membership card. Also, I’ll get a job at Costco because I’m a cardholder, so they’ll hire me over someone who isn’t a cardholder.”
Elizabeth: “I swear to god I’m not being racist, but Harriet Tubman looks like… ugh… that thing that Ms. Bino likes… oh a GORILLA! Look, I’m not being racist, she dead does!”
Rachel, *Explaining the historical significance of slavery: “Poppin dat ass for massa!”
*4 years ago, I read Kevin Kelly’s article, “1000 True Fans.” The gist of it goes like this. Create a following of people who become fans of what you do. Be so damn good at what you do that people want to give you money so you continue doing it.
Here’s what I do. I teach, and I write stories about it.
If you’re in the position where you don’t mind becoming a paid subscriber, I hope you consider it… though if your initial reaction to that is, “fuck off, I’m just here to read,” then rock on.
Fit To Teach is free to all.
My own personal favorite is an answer I got on an English test I gave about "Of Mice and Men"; "I don't know the answer to this one, but I like cake and I just got a new pair of shoes."
🤣🤣🤣