The Model Diet
How Victoria's Secret instructs their models to eat.
Everyone assumes losing weight is this complex project that involves nutritious food, proper doses of exercise, hydration, sleep hygiene, and fantastic communities of friends and family that help you in pursuit of this goal.
These are all well and good practices, but let me ask you a question, if that’s the truth then how do models stay so damn skinny? What’s their secret? We know damn well that models have a marginal relationship with exercise, have no real friends except millionaire playboys, and trade sleep for exclusive parties us normies have no access to.
So how do they do it? How do models keep the weight off?
It’s simple, they eat less, and move more.
The Details
I know I know. You need more. So let's flesh this out.
All model’s diets consist of two major consumables.
Champagne and Cocaine
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Gilbert! That can’t be right! That would destroy their health!”
Hush you silly child. I need you to look at the facts, most models are young which means they can handle the egregious amounts of drugs it takes to survive the profession, and the older models are few and far between. Those are the models that made enough money in their youth that they can afford the non-alcoholic champagne and the cocaine that’s gentler on the nostrils. Money is a true cure all.
Besides, this is not a conversation about health, this is a conversation about how models stay skinny.
Let’s examine champagne.
Here’s the caloric content of one bottle of champagne.
Calories: 613
Fats: 0
Carbs: 19
Protein: 0
This is dietary information ripped straight from the very first entry on google, so although the energy content of the macronutrients is nowhere near the caloric amount, this is obviously the most accurate source for champagne's nutritional information and can therefore be trusted without question.
We must assume that a model consumes around 2 bottles of champagne a day. One bottle is split between breakfast and lunch, and another is consumed around dinner time. A model needs to be slightly tipsy at all times so they can take themselves seriously when they pose in front of their phones with the appropriate amount of duck face and exposed cleavage. At night they need to be fully drunk during dinner in order to enjoy the company of the old men who pay for their extravagant lifestyle. They of course pretend to eat the food but never actually do. (Binging! Zero the calories, twice the taste!)
Now, assuming she sticks to 2 bottles a day, our model has consumed around 1,200 calories, which for a skinny girl is probably an appropriate calorie deficit. Ish. So we have one major tenet of weight loss covered - eat less.
But what about moving more? How do they accomplish this?
Well.
We mustn't forget the cocaine.
Cocaine is a phenomenal consumable in the sense that it’s a zero calorie stimulant. The more you take the more you move! After a proper amount of white powder has been snorted, a model will move and shake as much as any stripper with their next car payment on the horizon. When energy wanes, a proper trip to the bathroom will revitalize all their energy needs.
High energy cocaine dancing has two purposes.
It makes the rich millionaires jealous as none of them can dance. So all they can do is look on in dismay as all the models choose to dance with each other and ignore them. This will of course cause them to overcompensate and buy them more Chanel handbags so they can win the fair lady’s attention back.
Cocaine fueled dancing will get the average model 20,000 steps a night, 30,000 if they get real wild and take their high heels off. They move more!
Remember, this isn’t some ludicrous satire on the state of a instagram model’s life, this is a clinical look at how models stay skinny. It all comes back to the two core basics of weight loss - eat less, and move more.
So, you have the data and you have the know how. I recommend you try this on your first vacation to Europe ASAP and marvel at the speed with which you lose weight and hate your life.
The Model Diet:
Champagne and Cocaine. Enjoy, and get after it.
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