While I may just want to throw up when I say this, I’m going to say it.
To an extent, you are a unique snowflake. You digest things differently from everybody else. Some people thoroughly enjoy eating strawberries, other people’s throats swell up and die suffocating from consuming the same fruit. Certain foods will work better for some people, whereas other foods will work better for other people. There is no perfect prescription for the 8 billion people on the planet. Genetic variation is a real thing.
There. I said it. Sending out an article entitled, “Just Tell Me What To Eat,” to the world wide web is probably somewhat irresponsible, and will not fit perfectly into everyone's oh so delicate tummy situation.
Now I’m going to say what I actually want to say. (Turn on your Samuel Jackson Narrator Voice for best results.)
You. Yes you. The fool chomping down on a bag of doritos. Check the ingredient list. Yeah, I know, it’s a mile long and there’s about 20 words you can’t actually pronounce. Turns out that shit is baaaaad for you. Turns out if you can’t pick it from a tree, pull it from the ground, or murder it in a field it’s probably going to kill you. Consume single ingredient foods mothafucka, or enjoy an early death.
Ah. That felt better.
On the Table
The following foods are on the table. Barring any allergic reaction, if you consume the following recommendations chances are your erections will last longer and your family will eventually learn to love you.
Protein:
“Crush a large icecream cone, or dig into a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and no-one bats an eye. Have an 8-ounce steak and suddenly everyone’s a nutrition expert.”
Red Meat: Lean Ground Beef, New York Strip, Top Sirloin, Round Top, Lamb, Bison, Filet Mignon
Yes, I know, all the cuts of meat your mother swore would kill you. Going into how the sugar industry vilified red meat is a whole other post in itself, but what you need to know is this: red meat is chalk full of b-vitamins, iron, zinc, selenium, creatine, and healthy fats. It is some of the most nutrient dense food on the planet, and furthermore, our bodies have a much easier time absorbing what this food has to offer, unlike many plants that may carry the same nutrients.
*If this shit was bad for you I would have died years ago. Instead I have excellent blood work that says otherwise.
Poultry: Chicken, Turkey, Duck, Geese, Pheasant, Quail, Guineafowl…Eagle.
The eagle is a joke, but not really. If it’s got wings and feathers, chances are you can eat it. Poultry isn’t nearly as dense in micronutrients as red meat is, but it’s still an excellent source of low-fat protein.
Pork: Pork chops, Ribs, Tenderloin, Pork belly, Ham, Shoulder, Bacon
Pork is another excellent source of protein. Again, not as nutrient dense as red meat, but on the flip side, bacon is on the table so long as your main source of protein isn’t just bacon. Yes, I’m looking at you high school and college boys. Leave those frying pans alone.
Fish: Salmon, Tuna, Cod, Snapper, Bronzino, Sardines, Tilapia, Mackerel, Pollock, Trout, Halibut, Bass, Sardines, Anchovies
I have no doubt I have forgotten to list ten zillion other fish that people consume, but you get it, as long as the fish isn’t bloated with toxic mercury, these slippery swimmers are an excellent source of protein. Place special emphasis on salmon and sardines for their high quantity of Omega-3 Fatty Acids. Your brain needs that good stuff.
Shell Fish: Crab, Lobster, Prawn, Clam, Muscle, Scallop, Cockles, Oyster
Tasty when dipped in butter. Full of minerals not found in other foods. Shellfish are excellent sources of protein when you need a deviation from red meat.
Dairy*: Whole Fat Milk, Yogurt, Cheese, Kefir
While these food sources could easily fit into the fat section as well, I decided to include them here. They’re the most bioavailable source of calcium you can consume, and a phenomenal source of calories for people on the bulk.
*If any of the above diary products give you rumblies in the tumblies there’s a very simple solution here. Don’t eat them.
Eggs: Eggs
Eat eggs. Eat the yolk especially. It’s chalk full of nutrients that’ll benefit your life. Have one. Heck! Have two! Daily.
All Living Things:
As long as the dead thing that was once living is properly clean, chances are it's an source of protein. Hell, apparently alligator meat is the densest source of protein you can consume, and people regularly consume chocolate covered crickets….somewhere.
Here’s the deal. If the food once had a mother, a father, and a soul, eat that mothafucka.
Carbohydrate:
“Maybe serial killers are just regular people on a no carb diet.”
Potatoes: White Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Yucca
These bebe’s are excellent drivers for carbohydrate consumption. High in fiber, incredibly high in potassium, and incredibly satiating. I’d recommend these to anyone looking to fill their carbohydrate needs and need to feel full. (Those of you cutting, I’m looking at you.) For folks on the bulk, have one or two of these guys for the potassium, but then switch to rice for a lower satiating carbohydrate.
Rice: White Rice, Brown Rice
For those of you on the bulk, white rice is a game changer for helping you hit your carbohydrate needs. A quarter cup dry is 36g - 40g of carbohydrate depending on the grain. In 20 minutes you cook a cup of white rice and have up to 160g of carbohydrate. Brown rice is better for those of you that want to stay satiated and not over eat.
*Back during my early 20’s I used to walk around with a pot of white rice that I would pour olive oil into and then mix up with salt and pepper. I definitely got fat, and I would highly recommend intelligent measuring when going on the bulk...however, for a skinny kid who struggles to gain weight, this discovery was a game changer.
Oatmeal: Rolled, Steel Cut, Overnight, whatever
Oatmeal is the ultimate breakfast carbohydrate. It also mixes with fruit and dairy so goddamn well. Like any grain, certain people will have varying degrees of tolerance when consuming it. While I love the taste, I always feel the need to say I don’t consume this particular grain because it gives me explosive diarrhea. So there’s that.
Sourdough Bread:
I’m hesitant to add this to the list, because so many people will likely find some store brand bread that says “sourdough” on the package and proceed to eat a bread with a mile-long ingredient list. Legit sourdough has three ingredients: flour, water, salt. The process in which the bacteria ferments gives sourdough it’s “sour” taste, and it also allows for gentle digestion. Read the damn ingredient list! Avoid any bread that uses sugar. Then choose wisely.
Fruits: Apples, Bananas, Oranges, Kiwis, Pineapples, Mangoes, Grapes, Blueberries, Raspberries, Strawberries, Cantaloupe, Watermelon, Melon, Papaya, Apricots, Dates, Pears, Grapefruit, Guava
Eat these delicious beauties dammit! Chalk full of micronutrients and ludicrously low in calories. Anyone who says they have too much sugar needs to be punched in the face. Enjoy nature’s dessert every damn day.
Vegetables: Broccoli, Carrots, Spinach, Beets, Bokchoy, Lettuce, Leaks, Squash, Brusselsprouts, Cucumbers, Peppers, Onions, Garlic, Eggplant, Arugula, Celery, Radish, Shallot, Asparagus, and all the others I’m forgetting about
Barring any IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) , eat vegetables. They’re not as tasty as fruit but they have plenty of fiber and micronutrients for almost no caloric cost. Stan Efferding has a great saying I’ll steal, “I don’t eat foods I like, I eat foods that like me!” Translation - the foods that don’t cause any inflammation or bowel issues are the foods he consumes on a daily basis.
Fats
“I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.”
*Before we take a dive into acceptable fats, let me just throw this out there. “Fats” have a problem with poor branding. People assume consuming fats will make them fat simply because of the word itself. Erase this thought from your memory bank. Fat’s are essential to your health, hormones, and progress for aesthetics. Eat them with intelligent measuring just as you would proteins and carbs.
Grass-Fed Butter:
Slightly yellow and absolutely delicious. I know. I get it. Your mother told you red meat would give you a heart attack and butter is a product of the devil. Well guess what, even time magazine has proclaimed those assumptions are false. If you need to fill out some fat macro nutrients to finish out your day, enjoy some goddamn butter.
Olive Oil:
Back when I was an idiot and trying to gain weight “the easy way.” I used to take a shot glass and down a shot of olive oil at the end of each meal. Very few people react poorly to this food, and it’s a fantastic way to add calories to any meal for those of you on the bulk.
Coconut oil/Coconut Meat:
Another fantastic oil that doesn’t affect the gut lining and actually has some proven benefits with dealing with alzheimers. If you’re looking for a change up from olive and butter, coconut oil is something to try.
Avocados:
Does anybody not like avocados? Anybody? No, didn’t think so. Eat these.
Nuts: Almonds, Cashews, Hazelnuts, Macadamia nuts, Pistachios, Walnuts, Pecans, Pinenuts
All excellent sources of fat.
*Peanut butter not included because it falls into that legume category that can be rough on peoples stomach. However, if peanut butter doesn’t give you intestinal problems, let er rip.
To Conclude
Throw out anything that doesn’t fit this list and live a happy life full of high energy, deep sleep, and excellent erections.
Till next week, toodaloo mothafuckas!
Also, for anyone interested in one on one nutrition coaching, send an inquiry to gilbertschuerch@gmail.com
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Great post. Did you forget about avacados?