I fuck shit up on my commute.
Seriously. I’m a straight menace when it comes to train etiquette. If you look like you’re unwilling to move your bag on the seat next to you, I will purposefully ask you to move it and sit next to you. If every seat is full except the middle seat on the three seaters, I won’t hesitate to take it, regardless of the disgusted looks I get. If I see anyone actively trying to stop people from sitting next to them, guess what, I’m here to ruin their day. I live for that kind of adversity.
For those of you who don’t know, the Metro North is the train line that goes from Grand Central Station in New York City all the way to New Haven in central Connecticut. I ride that mothafucka Monday through Friday for an hour from Norwalk to Harlem where I make a living making fun of teenage boys.
To understand how I fuck shit up, you need to understand the very delicate ecosystem of etiquette that commuters have created when choosing a seat on the Metro North.
When you enter a Metro North Train cart you’ll notice an odd design decision. One side of the aisle has three seats attached to each other whereas the other side only has two seats attached to each other. It looks like this.
In a perfect commuter world the three seaters would contain one person in the window seat and one person in the aisle seat with the middle seat unoccupied; the two seaters would contain one person in the window seat with the aisle seat remaining empty. In this perfect world commuters get plenty of leg space to man-spread, and nobody is rubbing up against each other.
Alas, on a standard morning this is almost never the case. Metro north has adjusted the price point so nearly all the seats are full and most mornings are spent in a land of fake dignity where you curl yourself into a tiny ball so you don’t make accidental leg contact with a stranger.
The Delicate World of Choosing a Train Seat
Because the train is always close to full, there is an order to how people choose a seat. If an option in the perfect-commuter-world still exists when you board, you obviously choose one of those seats. (An empty two-seater or an open aisle seat on a three seater) However, if those perfect world seats are taken, what is the next option?
You obviously choose to sit next to someone in a two seater because you only have to rub up against one person as opposed to the dreaded middle seat on the three seater.
Here’s a classic picture of commuter etiquette.
Notice that all of the two seaters are occupied and there is a long line of unoccupied middle seats. When you run into this scenario you choose one of two options.
Option 1. You stand for an hour and pretend your feet aren’t aching 20 minutes into the ride. To my surprise most people choose this over option 2.
Option 2. You take the dreaded middle seat. Whenever I’m presented with this nasty scenario I always take a middle seat. I am usually greeted with disheartened groans and silent eye rolls. I live for it.
Fucking Shit Up in A Whole New Way
With your new found knowledge of commuter etiquette I can now finally explain a new phenomenon that has been happening to me.
You see, the first time it happened I thought it was sheer luck, but after the 4th time I believe there is something more than chance at work.
Here’s whats been happening.
I usually try to take the express train. It has fewer stops and it gets me to my destination faster. However, it's usually packed and I often miss that train so I have to take the local train. Where I board, the local starts fairly empty but then gradually fills to near capacity before it reaches Harlem.
Generally speaking, I almost always get a two seater to myself to begin with. Sweet blessed Jesus, it is so nice when that happens. Unlimited elbow room, a place where I can cross my ankle on top of my knee without my legs bumping into someone else, I mean, what more could a guy ask for?
Back when I weighed in around 180 - 190 this was a short lived treat. Someone would inevitably board and take the seat next to me. No more blessed space to comfortably write this blog. But ever since I’ve been on the bulk I’ve realized a subtle change in etiquette around sitting next to me.
People don’t do it.
Literally. People chose every single two seater except mine. People stand next to the doors instead of sitting next to me. This has happened multiple times. I was starting to wonder whether I just smelled (the ultimate move in securing your own two-seater) but after numerous smell checks and the knowledge that I shower every morning…let’s just say I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt on that end.
Still, I was trying to figure it out. People used to sit next to me all the time; now they didn’t. I started going through my own checklist I use when selecting whom to sit next to. There’s really only one criteria I look for - how small are they? Generally speaking, this means I end up sitting next to women or string bean guys. I sit next to the medium sized people as long as the little ones are taken, and I always leave the obese people to themselves. But what the hell, I’m not obese. I don’t pour over into the next seat…
Ahhhh.
There it is. Things had changed right around when I hit 196 pounds. I glanced at my shoulders to see how much of the next chair I was taking up. My shoulder width was taking up over a quarter of the seat next to me. It all clicked.
I figured out why people were treating me like a homeless man rocking back and forth in a perpetual state of agony. Why people's eyes glazed over to signal they didn’t want the seat when walking past me. Why hardened commuters were choosing to stand on aching feet for over an hour. People were avoiding me for the very same reason I avoiding sitting next to fat people. I was taking up to much space.
Fucking Awesome.
I had just stumbled onto the mother load of all motivation for the relentless pursuit of gainz. Never mind that girls look your way when your chest and shoulders start reaching gorilla status. Never mind that your gym bros can’t help but admire you from afar whenever you get your lifts in. Never mind that almost every single health parameter improves when you add skeletal muscle mass. Bro! People don’t sit next to you on the fucking train!
Fuck your health, fuck your looks, fuck your improved sleep quality - incessantly doing shoulders in a caloric surplus makes you wider. And the wider I am, the more leg room I get.
Train hard kids, get yourself some COMMUTER SHOULDERS!!!!!!!!!
Until Next Week. Todaloo Mothafuckas!
Interested in supporting the channel? Click the link!
Awesome made me smile. Wait until to board an airplane and the only seats available are the middle ones and you are 6’3” and 250. Their faces are priceless. You can see the relief when I pass them by. I do look for the smallest. 😁